ON IMPRESSIONS AND IMPACTS

I used to work a second job at Barnes and Nobel as a bookseller. There was a young man who would come into the store who loved books. He loved words, and writing, and there was always something just a little sad and lost about him, like the swan trying to fit into the world of ducklings. I don't know how often he came in before I became aware of him, could distinguish him from the other hundreds of customers who came up to my cash wrap on any given Saturday or Sunday. But, I will never forget the night he became Eric to me.

He had been given a gift card for his birthday, he was all of fourteen, turned that day. He was small for his age, all arms a legs. Light freckles across pale white skin, fair sandy hair, thick coke bottle lenses, voice not yet changed. He stood for a long time at the end of the cash wrap, sorting through his books, making what were clearly painful choices about which books to keep and which to put back. After making his choices he turned to replace the rejects back on the shelves from which he had taken them, thus endearing himself to me. Most would have simply left the books at the end of the cash wrap for me to put away.

He made his way back up to the register and placed his treasured books on the counter for me to ring up.

I already knew the answer to the mandated question, "Do you have a Barnes and Noble card to save ten percent tonight?"

"Oh, yes. This card saves me tons of money."

I rang up his books, bagged them, slid his discount card through the register, and then signaled for him to slide his gift card. Being the nosy person I am, I had already asked about the card and found his grandmother had bought it for him for his birthday. He blushed when I asked, "So when is your birthday?"

"Today."

"So you just couldn't wait even a day, huh? "

A deeper shade of red flushed across his cheeks, as he shrugged, "Well, ya know."

"Yes, sir, I surely do know. Books are my best friends too. Happy Birthday!"

We shared a chuckle and he allowed himself to make eye contact with me finally.

"Thanks."

"Ok, that leaves three dollars and forty cents."

His eyes flew to mine as a look of horror flashed across his face along with the deepest shade oh crimson I have seen on any living human.

"Um, well...I'm going to have to put one back. Are you sure, 'cause I did the math?"

"I think when you did the math you took the ten percent off but forgot to add back on the tax."

Though I didn't think it possible, his face grew an even deeper shade of red.

"Damn, I mean... um, damn."

"Hey, listen, you come in here a lot don't you?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, look, I have that much right here." I said, as I tipped my badge over to secure the money I always kept tucked there for just such cases, "Let me cover your tax. You can pay me back later if you remember and if not, we'll just call this a birthday present from me to you."

"No, you don't need to do that, honest."

"Yes, I do, honest. I know just how you feel. I love books too. it would destroy my day to have to put another one back. It's not a big deal. This happens all the time, it's why I keep this money tucked away. So? Come on, what do you say?"

"Thanks, I'll pay you back."

"Okay, if you do. Okay if you don't. No worries either way."

When I came to work the following Saturday, my boss handed me a bag. Inside the bag was the book Perks of a Wallflower, and a short note along with the three bucks and change.

Thanks for the books. Here's a good one from one book-lover to another.

Eric

I wasn't surprised by either the note or the book, though I was touched by both. I had been covering book-lover's taxes for a while and I almost always got paid back and usually there was a little something extra, though I never expected it, I had just come to trust the goodness of people.

Eric became a fixture at my cash wrap. He would come in on my days off and ask when I would be in next then show up at the start of my shift and follow me about talking books and life, school and philosophies. I challenged him to try different books and he threw the challenge right back at me, and so we each learned and grew from the other. Each of our lives opened a bit, expanded a tad.

Through the months I came to know him in a real way as book and philosophical talks began to bleed into real life. His life. We would talk about the wisdom of allowing government to legislate morality and end up talking about his rejection and hurt. His talks about the pain of the protagonist from his latest novel would soon lend themselves to talks about his own personal pain.

As I put away books left carelessly behind, I also picked up bits and parts about this young man, a boy really. His aloness was palpable. He spent most of his Friday and Saturday nights following me about the aisles of the B&N.

I watched him turn fifteen, and then sixteen. Slowly through those years a group of friends started to join him. First two girls, dressed all in black, with Emoness oozing from their pores. I watched as his too-high-waisted dark blue-jeans became faded black, knee torn, silver studded belted jeans and his polo shirts became dark torn t-shirts sporting some dark and I'm sure meaningful to someone saying. Soon three other boys joined the group as they made their weekend visits to the bookstore and coffee shop. The one thing that never changed were our talks.

He would leave his friends in the attached Starbucks to follow me for a bit and talk about this book or that article in the paper, or this current affair and what did I think? Or was I aware?

Towards the end of my time at the Barnes and Noble he came into the store alone and antsy. I didn't know what was up, but within five minutes of his entrance it was clear something had happened--something big. It was a fairly busy Saturday night and he came to the cash wrap several times to try and say something that he never was able to start before a customer would come needing to pay for their books.

I could finally take his discomfort no longer and suggested we have a talk outside when I went on break in half-an-hour. I told him I would meet him at the far east steps. He agreed and left the store.

I was surprised to find him waiting at the door when I came through. His nerves were contagious, and I found myself becoming jittery. It took him several false starts to tell me what I had long suspected.

"Well, you see, the thing is... Well, there is someone I want you to meet. He's really important to me."

He led me to a forty-something looking man who put his arms around Eric and gave him a snugly hug reserved for ones most intimates.

I was keenly aware of Eric's studying of my face, though pretending to be casual. I was being watched very closely, ever eye flicker, every scrunch of the forehead. His eyes were pleading with me to not let him down, to please, understand. It was difficult to control my face for I was very disturbed by the age difference between this boy and what I perceived to be a dirty old man, and in all fairness would have been equally horrified had Eric been a girl, but I knew the way I reacted would be a deal breaker for Eric. He was coming out of the closet and he would perceive any negative reaction on my part as disapproval and would forever close the door on any influence I may have earned through the years.

"I want you to meet Tim. He's my boyfriend."

My brain scrambled for something safe to say, any safe reaction to buy me time to process this situation. I offered my hand to Tim and asked how they had met, meaning, "What in the world can you have in common enough with this young boy to justify sleeping with him."

"He works at Borders." Was Eric's quick response. Tim stood by silently letting this boy do his fighting and talking.

Lucky, Eric's answer offered me the escape I sought.

"So, let me get this straight, you've been cheating on me with Borders?"

The relief felt by all was tangible. Mine, for being spared a tough choice between being honest and alienating a young man who needed trusted adult counsel or lying and there by being a part of something damaging to this boy I had come to care for. His for having been proven right in trusting me. For not having been rejected and let down. Tim's for simply not being called on poor behavior and spared the discomfort of my judgments.

In the weeks that followed, Eric talked about the difficult days he was facing. He had been raised in the church by very firmly religious parents and though they loved Eric and were doing their best to accept him, accept this difficult news, for it had to be difficult, they were not completely accepting. They tried to talk him out of his feelings, and I have to say, I'm not sure I could or would have done much better were he my child, though the age gap between his first chosen lover and the youngness of his years would come into play more soundly than the fact that his first lover was a man,though that would be something I would have to work through and come to terms with as well.

Many of Eric's friends turned on him, they were, after all, raised in the church along side Eric, but his core group, the ones who came each week with him remained steadfast, if somewhat perplexed.

Eric faced difficult days at school as he came out in the grandest of styles, tapping into some stereotypes and waving them about him like a rainbowed flag.

Too often I wanted to ask him to be more subtle so he could be spared the hurt, but this was his road and he had to decide where and how to step.

I only got to spend a few more weeks with Eric before life forced me to quit the bookstore with only a days notice.

I haven't seen Eric in over four years. I have thought about him often and wondered how he was. Hoped he had found peace and happiness.

Today, I found a friends request waiting for me from Eric. I was stunned. I haven't a clue how he found me. I don't think I had ever shared my last name with him. I was just Pamela from the B&N, but found me he did.

I accepted Eric's request and gave him my number. Within ten minutes of responding my phone rang.

He is now twenty. Lives in Italy and speaks the language fluently. He wants to be a linguistics, and work as an interpreter. He is in a loving relationship with a young man his own age, and they are currently learning to speak Japanese, and plan to move to Japan to live. He is happy. Says his journey through accepting and dealing with his own sexuality has brought him closer to God.

He is smart, and sweet, and still full of insights and passion.

He expressed his dismay at my disappearance from his life, the void it left. He shared his darkest hours with me, where he knew who he was but before he was able or willing to show that person to the world. He spoke about finding strength in our talks. And then he completely stunned me and brought me to my knees.

He shared how he had waffled for many months between showing his true self and risking what felt like everything to him, or simply choosing to be no more. He said many of the conversations we had shared were his seeking his own answers, testing to see if perhaps I would/could accept him no matter what, and then deciding if I would maybe others could too.

The thing is, when brushing against the lives of others we don't know what impact we are making.

Eric is a reminder to me to be careful to leave a loving impression behind.

I am also astounded by the loving care of God the Father. Never have I been so intensely and intimately aware of the truthfulness of Romans 8:28 "for all things work together for the good of those who love the lord and are called according to his purpose."

Eric did two things today that impacted my life as surely and soundly as he claims I have his.

As mere humans we are rarely given a glimpse into the time frame of God's hand, but in sharing with me today, Eric showed me a tiny, tiny bit of his time line.

During my time with Eric I was watching a student of mine, a little four-year-old, struggle with his sexuality, as I have shared here in an earlier post, and because of Cooper I was struggling with my own ideals and beliefs and many of these personal conflicts worked their way into conversations with Eric. God used Cooper to challenge me and he used my conflict and growing awareness to comfort Eric, give voice to his own confusion. In watching me come to terms with my own wrong thinking, Eric found the security to find his own terms.

Now here is the truly amazing thing to me. Today Eric gave me some long sought answers. I am struggling within my relationship with God, wondering if he hasn't closed the door on me and left me for lost, and it has only been in the pass few months that I have even considered there could be grace enough for me, to cover even the sin of rebuking him. I would not have been opened to the idea before now. Eric told me how he has been looking for me, on and off, through these four years. It is not chance or circumstance that he only found me today. It is the hand of God, showing me his grace, showing me that even when I felt myself lost to him, beyond his grace, he was still using my life to touch the lives of others for him. I can feel the dawning of acceptance growing inside me today.

What a mighty and loving Father we have.

Today my heart breaks with love and gratitude, fully aware how undeserving I am of such love.