It's me again. It's been a while since I've sat and talk with you. Been even longer since I've felt your warmth, heard your voice, known your presence.
Thing is God, I don't know if you are willing to forgive certain things. Don't know how much pain you will endure from us, your children, before you simply shut the door and say no more.
You show us Job, hold him as the light of a righteous man. When Satan came along you gave him leave to touch all Job held dear, and it was all taken from him, except a nagging wife, that did not escape my notice, and still Job stood firm. "I will take the good with the bad, I will still honor my Lord." He never cursed you. He never showed his doubt, because you see, I know he doubted. I know in the darkest hours he cried out to you, "Why me, Lord!" even if that part didn't make the final cut, the final edit, because the point of the story was, when everything was taken from Job, when you were all he had left, you prove yourself enough. You, alone, were enough.
Put no other God before me.
One of the top ten.
But you see, God, without knowing it, I did. I put my husband before you. I made him my God. My all in all. My El Elyon. And when he was taken away, my faith collapsed like the sand it was built upon.
When Satan came along, and took from me, I clung to you. I held on tight. I sought your answers. I claimed your promises, and then, after it was all said and done, after being willing to be anything you required me to be, my world still walked away, I turned on you, the rock who had sustained and with every cell in my being rebuked you. Said out loud, and meant with everything I was, had been, or would ever be, "I no longer believe in you, for if you are real you make no difference in the lives of your people so what good are you."
So here I stand God, wondering, is there forgiveness enough--grace enough-- for even me?
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there is. I know first hand that there is.
ReplyDeleteI answered your comment on my post blog birthday just now. Please read it when you have time.
take care P.
and bless you.
Hey, Jeff, it doesn't show, you comment on your birthday blog post.
ReplyDeleteI, also, sent you an e-mail per what I perceived to be your request. I sent it yesterday morning, so, if it is not in your inbox you may want to check your spam.
Thanks for your encouragement. Thanks for your blog.
Pamela
weird. i know i posted it. But its not there. and well, at my age, remembering will not make it. I'll write it again a bit later tonight. I didnt get the email either. hmm. And i have about 350 spams to look though. I'll figure out some way to communicate. let me know if you have any ideas. or anyway, the actual question without the embellishments was what did you mean by "mainly because I sense a feeling of superiority born from a place of intrinsic dishonesty,"?
ReplyDeleteHey Jeff.
ReplyDeleteI suppose I can post my answer here. If any part of my answer offends you, please let me know and I will delete it, for I wish you no offense, no insult of spirit, I happen to admire your honesty of spirit and your forthrightness.
I think it is very easy to excuse behavior in ones self by focusing on the behavior of others, and for me, the walk made me more humble as I went, not more arrogant, but I run into WAY too much arrogance in "Christians" who spend their days holding others accountable and feeling very smug and right in, what I perceive to be, their judgments of others, and, to my way of thinking, it is just this sort that Jesus spent his life here speaking out against.
I grow weary of people who bump into me and say things like God sent Katrina to wipe out gays and if that doesn't make my day nothing will, then punch the sky with both hands in a Rocky-like victory gesture.(true story)
I spent time at the shelters. I took the time to get to know these people. I was humbled by their stories, their spirits, the things they had endured, would endure, and the simplistic requests they made.
I grow weary of those who, IMHO, use MY God as their white sheet. By this I mean they hide behind God to justify mean-spirited attitudes and prejudices.
Saying things like, I personally don't have a problem with gays, but God says stay away from them, after saying things like I saw two men holding hands and kissing and it made my skin crawl.
And, it seems to me, these sorts always carry about them an air of superiority, as if they have all the answers and have nothing to learn from lowly sinners such as myself, or God forbid, those two guys they saw kissing.
I live in Texas. I see it, hear it, deal with it all the time. It wears on me.
It goes beyond all this, really.
But that's the surface of it all.
Deeper layers would take several conversations to peel back.
This all being said, I want to be honest and admit, I am fully aware there is an attitude of judgmentalness in myself towards those I perceive to be...,for lack of better word, and please forgive, Holy Rollers. I do often times feel superior to them, judge them, think to myself, "I will never be like you." so, I do understand I am not without blame, and should put down my stone.
I struggle with this on many levels.
I have been to some of the places of spirit you have. I get much of what you say and express. I identify with WAY too many of your posts, and when I was there, when I was going down I was in the church, fully active, and what I found were judgments and platitudes that only served to suck me down further, but, I also found a few who, were it not for them listening to the voice of God, I would not be here today, so I want you to know, I do see both sides.
Problem for me, the Holy Rollers outnumber the Christians by far, far too many.
In addition to this, I have, as you can plainly see from this post, my own internal issues with my spiritual space right now, my own demons, separate from these I've just shared.
Hope that helped explain my meaning.
As I said it goes deeper than a few minutes typed response here.
LOL.
Attention to detail has always been my achilles heel, so forgive my over-analytic answer, please.
BlueGirl 62
Pamela
nothing offensive to me here. When i have time, (getting ready for wrok) I'll be back to share more. thsnk you Pamela for taking the time to write the truth. bless your day
ReplyDeleteHe is so enough - and He so forgave you before you even looked for it. Your words here are extraordinary. :)
ReplyDelete"He gives and takes away, blessed be His name"
I am so thankful beyond my own comprehension of what that even means, that He doesn't require us to act or do or be to gain His favor - He made a Way already...
We thank Him afterward with our acting, our doing, and our being...
What a relief... peace that passes understanding :)
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it is amazing,
katey