A NEW ME

Four years of dead air here and in my life.  I slid into a depression after the death of my father and mentally threw up my hands and quit on myself in most areas.

I have gained almost one hundred pounds of the almost three hundred I took off six years ago.  I have had the great toe of my left foot amputated a year ago and have been fighting an infection in that foot every time I swim, adding to the depression.

I only go out to buy groceries and supplies for my in home day care, the one good thing I have accomplished these past few years, and to run for fast food meals that add to my girth, poor health, and depression.  I've been hiding out.  Too ashamed to accept invitations to join friends and family. I don't want them to see what I've done to myself. 

I got a glimpse of myself in the sliding glass door the other day while outside watching the kids play.  It was a stark reality check.

I've been using the fact that I was not allowed up on my feet for three months as an excuse to stay immobile.  I've been telling myself I'll start a healthier way of living the following Monday for three years now.

I've been living on my past accomplishments, walling myself in using the internet to meet my social needs fooling myself. fooling my friends, fooling my family.

Well, no more.  It's time for honesty even if just here, just between myself and an unknown audience that may or may not care or even be present.  

I claim to be a writer but it's been five years since I've written anything seriously.  I won't go to my writer's workshop because I'm ashamed of how I look.  I veg out in front of the computer chatting with friends" on the internet where I can be funny and witty and appear to have a full and rich life, playing mindless games so I won't have to deal with the mess I've made of my life--again instead of buckling down and producing some sort of writing work.  

I claim to love to swim yet I haven't swam with any regularity in four years.  I have only had the battle with my foot for a year and a half and I will give myself credit for trying three times to begin to swim again since the amputation of my toe, but there were three years when I could have and didn't.

So, I was going to start Monday but I was too tired. too stressed, already ate that sausage roll, you know all the Monday excuses I have been using to not start working on a better life.  So it's Tuesday  I haven't eaten well, I haven't walked, haven't done a single thing that would get a new and better life started except start this blog.  

It's almost six in the evening and I already know I'm going to eat something fast and fat laden for dinner but I will start fresh Wednesday morning, or if not report here honestly.

What I have done towards a new life is buy a juicer.  Buy what I need to juice.  Started this blog and when my friend comes to pick up her child she will take a before picture of myself and I will take and post pictures every week on program or off.  No more hiding.  No more lying.  

That's my shaky start.  Let's see where it lands me.

If you stumble upon this blog welcome.  

ME